"A blog for the people"

In order to demonstrate our zealous dedication to those who patronize this miniscule portion of the interweb, I dedicate this picture and the conversation that ensues to one, Sylvia Tolman. It seemed a fitting (footing?) tribute to she who has been first to comment on the site. May you walk far.

This picture was posted as her FACEbook profile picture. The commentary below is real, only the names have been kept the same in order to protect our identity.

Chris Allphin

You have a really wierd face.

14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:01 · · · Ver amistad

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    Daniel Thuet Before you de-friend Chris for the rest of life and eternity, please understand he is only referencing your choice of "facebook" profile picture. We are only worried that your fan base will be disappointed when they realize that your face is a foot. I mean, I try to appreciate diversity; but this is really hard.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:03 ·
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    Chris Allphin Thanks for the clarification Dan. In our apartment we try to accept all people, but we have to draw the line somewhere. Once I saw an individual whose face looked like a hand...how do you greet someone like that? shaking hands takes on a whole new meaning.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:05 ·
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    Daniel Thuet An excellent idea. Let us take the remainder of our time this afternoon to discuss the ramifications of greeting people with "different" faces. For example, a knee-faced person should be greeted with a slap...at least when the joke is good.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:08 ·
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    Daniel Thuet A toe-faced person could be greeted with a hearty rendition of "this little piggy goes to market." Unfortunately, it will be nearly impossible to get past the trip to the market.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:10 ·
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    Chris Allphin Dan brings up an excellent point. I could see people misinterpreting a slap because of a good joke for hatred or abuse. I remember when this happened to a good friend. He tried to greet an elbow-faced person and was then judged for the mistake in his behavior. He was then assaulted by a gang of people who called themselves the "funny bones." After the beating, this poor friend's face looked like a clavicle.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:23 ·
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    Daniel Thuet I shudder just to think of the "funny bones." Their involvement in facial profiling (similar to racial profiling) is barbaric. I remember when they didn't let a man vote because he had a heel face. Poor Achilles.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:29 ·
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    Chris Allphin And I still can't figure out how certain groups perform vital functions such as a eating, drinking, and breathing. Sylvia, maybe you could help us to understand? And would kissing for a person with a foot face be considered footsie?

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:37 ·
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    Daniel Thuet Digression- Kankels are the desired ankle of a foot face. Obviously, superior support and maneuverability would be provided.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:41 ·
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    Chris Allphin Those with sprained ankles might have a tough time with normal, every day life. Now you might ask, how does someone with a foot face receive a sprained ankle? A few things have been reported as possible causes..1) a foot-faced person incessantly denying that their face is indeed a foot and 2) the body becoming disoriented and actually thinking that the foot face actually has the ability to walk.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:49 ·
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    Daniel Thuet You can imagine the implications of this. Airport moving side-walks indicate the "walk" portions by painting small footsteps along the way. The confusion that has been discussed previously could lead to some VERY unsanitary (and likely painful) situations.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:55 ·
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    Daniel Thuet Note: In order to grasp this concept, imagine running a cheese grater over your face.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 14:56 ·
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    Chris Allphin Though unpleasant and slightly morbid, this is indeed a fine analogy. And just think of the onlookers when they see such an event. War veterans would have flashbacks and the innocence of children would be tarnished. I see this as a major problem in our society. Bloggers, please unite to rid the world of this horror.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 15:02 ·
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    Daniel Thuet

    Before we conclude this feast of knowledge and insight that has been proffered, I move that we establish a bill of facial rights.
    1. All faces are created equal. (Well, at least in the sense that they are sitting on our necks.)
    2. All faces have the inalienable right of free speech (unless you have a bum face. No explanation needed)
    3. All faces have the right to smile. (Note: When this right was voted upon, knee faces were slightly upset. For some reason, joviality is not widely appreciated among this group.)

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 15:08 ·
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    Jordan Stauss Indeed, throughout the years there have been various uprisings by the knee faces. During said uprisings, Doctors's offices are filled with countless torn ACL's and MCL's. The carnage has been terrible. The knee tendons have become squishy. But now, with the new facial bill of rights, we can move forward to a brighter future, filled with cohesive A and M CL's. Amen.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 15:14 ·
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    Chris Allphin How horrendous it would be to have not 2, but 3 knees. I feel for you knee face people. I am glad we are making your lives more pleasant considering this immense genetic disadvantage you have received.

    14 de marzo de 2010 a las 15:21 ·
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    Patrice Bretschneider Hahaha! Now I get it!

    15 de marzo de 2010 a las 8:17 ·
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    Patrice Bretschneider Ok, after reading further, I think this ones a keeper! You need to print it out:) it is not very often such wisdom of this magnitude is offered on facebook!

    15 de marzo de 2010 a las 8:23 ·
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    Sylvia Tolman Guys, I just read through this again, and it made my day. Again. (partly because I got half the jokes that i missed yesterday) Brilliant.

This is not your Mom's blog Pt. 3

Before we get down to business, I need to address a few more things. After reading the previous two posts you may be thinking, “Maybe I don’t want to get myself into this.” Well, you are probably right.

Before you make the decision to never read from this wealth of knowledge again, let me clear up the misconceptions that may have already crept into your eager minds.

1) We do not condone slavery. The slaves that prepare the feast aren’t really slaves…we are just unpaid individuals who, with blood, sweat, and tears, put forth their best effort to provide a service that most people should and would receive compensation for.

2) We still love our mothers and their blogs. Whether we love your mothers and their blogs is yet to be determined.

3) If your fingers turn blue from commenting, please see a doctor…or lick them. You may have just mistaken your fingers to be Otter Pops, which would be quite a delicious surprise for you. I can’t think of anything else that could be misconstrued as a blue finger, so if the Otter Pop theory is wrong, you may need new eyeballs.

4) Michael Low is the standard of excellence in our lives.

Sometimes we like to get caught up in the details of life. While this can be dangerous, it can also make things more fun for us. Warning: If you decide to set a picture of your foot as your Facebook profile picture, it is not beyond us to wonder if this is actually your face. Just as we get caught up in things, feel free to get caught up in whatever you like about our postings. Maybe, just maybe you do want to get yourself into this.

Your amigo,

Chris

This is not your Mom's blog pt.2

More than you are now aware, this blog is what you've been waiting for. You may think of yourselves as sharks, wounded by the social harpoon of ignorance, who until now have been helplessly searching for healing. Call it what you will--serendipity; divine providence-- you have stumbled upon a metaphorical marine hospital of scuba-diving doctors equipped with waterproof BandAids to mend you.

So, this is how it's going to work: one of us will post something each week, and the other two will subsequently give their two cents (I know what you're thinking: "more like two-finity dollars"). Hopefully you'll realize that what we have to say about the issues at hand are as important and pertinent to you as they are to us. Now, don't you worry your sweet little heads! just because we three are the only ones posting (further invites are possibly tentative) you'll be able to comment till your fingers turn blue... and then you'll be able to relocate to someplace warmer and comment some more. Think of this as "a blog for the people". Just as you need us for our insight and wisdom, we need you to remind us of how insightful our wisdom is.

Feel free to request topics for our discussion, but keep in mind that the Sword of Truth is very candid and sometimes double-edged.

Your buddy,
-Alex

This is not your Mom's blog

If you are looking for quaint backgrounds, obese infants, or Target's most recent collection of kitchen rugs; I'm afraid you ought to close this browser immediately. Since this blog was never intended to be read by the masses, it won't hurt our feelers. Besides, the true purpose of this blog (which will be discovered as it unravels) would probably have failed if at some point you don't feel just a wee bit squeamish.

If you are reading because you are being threatened (I know some of our authors can be quite physically imposing) or because you are trapped in a prison cell with only this blog and Stephanie Myer's literature to read, feel free to pass off any of those uncomfortable feelings on indigestion. If you wait long enough, a long list of distinguished people (see 2 Nephi 26:11) have promised you that fortunately, it will pass!

If you are reading because you heard on CNN that Obama follows our blog, we are severely disappointed in you. If that guy is beating you to finding good stuff, I imagine you are missing out on a lot.

If you are reading because you are willing to resort to literally anything for some kind of contact with Michael Low, we don't blame you. If you don't know who he is, we apologize that you are now cognizant of a gaping hole in your heart and life. Unfortunately, we have yet to find a way to fix that..other than spending copious amount of time with the aforementioned individual.

Whatever has brought you to the table for this communal feast of knowledge, it will likely determine what you take away.

Remember, not unlike the feasts at Hogwarts, the food provided here will seem to magically appear before you. However, there are still little slaves who put plenty of time into making it delicious.

Only the best for you..

Tua Amicum,

Dan